10 Very Smart Dating Tips For Dummies
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I literally get hundreds of relationship-related questions per week. And, out of those hundreds, approximately 50 percent of them result in one of us hitting the other up on gchat and asking “what in the hell is wrong with these people?“. Seriously, we get asked so many simple-ass fisher-price questions that sometimes it feels like i’m being interviewed by magic johnson.
While i realize that some of these people are just looking for someone to co-sign a stupid decision they already know they’re going to make, some are genuinely clueless about what to do.
Anyway, knowing that these advice seekers read vsb, i figured i’d save us all some time by giving preemptive advice to 10 of their most common dilemmas. With that in mind, here’s 10 very smart (and simple) dating tips for dummies.
1. He’s just not that into you if he’s f*cking somebody else
***not to be confused with “he’s just not into you if you haven’t spent a weekday with him since the series premiere of “boomtown“, “he’s just not that into you if people say ‘oh, i didn’t know you had a girlfriend. Ha!! who’d a thunk it‘ to him every time you’re out together“, and “he’s just not that into you if he tried to strangle you in your sleep”
2. If you’re interested in her, and she makes any mention of other men she’s seeing while she’s in your presence, you’re not a “close friend” or confidant. you’re a cuckold.
Sorry, man.
3. Best way to scare her away? do scary sh*t.
Put it this way: while you assumed that she’d think that it was cute and swoon-worthy when you hired a violinist to serenade her with wu-tang’s “reunited” at applebee’s on your first date, super thirsty sh*t like that only works in movies.
And by “only works in movies” i mean “only works if your name is idris elba and she won’t let anything short of you decapitating the waiter stop you from getting some tonight”
4. If you’re tired of men making half-assed commitments, stop fully committing to half-assed commitments.
I mentioned something similar in our Loveawake dating site blog.
Quoting, ummm, me, “Trust me, all of those “lets chill sometime” commitment-phobic guys would be some courting-a**, exclusive mf-ers if they thought they had a shot at Kerry Washington. Basically, serious relationship-minded women need to stop giving a sh*t about guys who don’t really give a sh*t about them”
5. If you’re a short man…approach short women
***not to be confused with “if broke, date broke chicks“***
Seriously though, while it’s true that all short women aren’t automatically receptive to interest from a shorter-than average man, you’ll have a much better chance with the munchkins than the supermodels. No sense in complaining that the aisha tyler’s of the world won’t give you rhythm if there are a gang of snooki’s out there waiting to be picked up and carried in your wallet.
With this in mind…
6. While everyone has a right to their own standards, people also have the right to say that you have some dumb-ass f*cking standards if you have some dumb-ass f*cking standards
***I’m talking to you, munchkin chicks with eyes only for power forwards and centers.***
7. If you have an attractive mate, other people are going to want to sleep with them. Why? Well, because they’re attractive. Get over it.
Personally, i never understood the reasoning behind getting pissed at the attention a significant other might receive from the opposite sex. Obviously, you don’t want cats throwing dollar bills at your girl every you hit the mall together, but don’t you want to be with someone who other people actually want? Isn’t it better to deal with baristas flirting with your man than having them wonder how you helped him escape from the methadone clinic?
8. If you eventually want to get married, date people who eventually want to get married
***Not to be confused with “If you want to be approached more, be more approachable“, “if you want more people to be attracted to you, be more attractive”, and “if you want to die, date hoodrats***
9. Sex is important to most people
No, really. it is.
Seriously. I know it’s hard to tell whether i’m being serious, but trust me, i’m not even joking here. I’m dead-ass. Sex actually does matter.
10. “Single” is better than “sh*tty relationship”
It’s amazing how many emails and questions i receive from women lamenting their sad singleness as if they’ve been damned by the ghost of vivica’s second face. while i understand that it can be lonely if you think you’re always looking from the sidelines, sitting and watching is better than tearing your ACL in a bullsh*t pick-up game.
The grass might seem greener on the other side, but that’s only because most lawns are full of sh*t.
Anyway, falks: did i miss anything? Also, do you think there’s some truth to the idea that people intentionally ask stupid questions they already know the answers to, or do you think that there are more people than we realize who just aren’t that into intelligence?